I’m sorry but tonight I feel like I want to have a bit of a rant and a whinge. I’m tired, I’m angry and generally fed up! I’m angry how this disease is taking over my body again. I’m angry that it means I’m having to make compromises I don’t want to make.
My blood results are getting steadily worse. For those who understand the numbers: hb 93, platelets 22, neuts 0.7. So my red blood cells are getting to the point I will shortly become dependent on blood transfusions. The reasons for the counts dropping are not certain. The chemotherapy will definitely be making my counts drop, but also it is likely the disease will be effecting them too. I’m having a bone marrow biopsy on Monday which will help to establish if the current treatment is doing its job.
In the meantime my physical symptoms are getting worse. I’m getting tired…. the real word is fatigue….But it still doesn’t explain it properly. Just a real heaviness in my body and also a kind of brain fog, like its difficult to focus and concentrate on things properly. I’m getting daily headaches. I’m getting out of breath doing stupid things like going up the stairs (weirdly I’m still fine if its steady cardio, but if I suddenly do something my body doesn’t seem to be expecting then I struggle). I’m getting dizzy as my blood pressure is low. My digestive system is all messed up, blah blah blah
I’ve got to the point where I need to recognise I need to stop doing everything I’m doing, but I don’t want to! I work 4 days a week at “the day job”, but my real passion lies in the fitness industry where i teach a couple of fitness classes a week. On top of this i’m juggling hospital, visiting family, trips out with friends, etc, etc. And its all getting too much but how do you choose what to give up?
I want to be able to put my effort into work, so i can show my new employer that I am a good worker and go up the career ladder. (More importantly I need my job to pay for my mortgage!) I want to keep my passion for fitness going and strive to get stronger and fitter. I want to be able to go to social events, be able to enjoy them and be the social butterfly i used to be! And I want to do all of this…. like most other “normal” people. It seems most people take for granted the fact they are able to do a full days work, and then still feel energetic enough to go out to the pub/cinema, etc that evening.
And I know “But you (I’m) are doing so well for someone with cancer”…. Do you know how many people have told me something similar to this over the last few months. Like I should be grateful that I don’t have to give everything up, that I only have to make a few compromises and listen to my body. Well I don’t bloody want to listen to my body. I want to keep doing all of the things that I enjoy. I don’t want to bloody compromise…….
P.S. I know people mean well. And I know there is no right thing to say in these situations. And I’m not angry at the people that say these things, cos what else do you say? I’m just angry about the situation!!